For the first installment of the Panda Ass Culinary Project I am going to lay down the Panda rules: (1) I created this blog to inform the outside world about the culinary field, and to vent my successes and frustrations to everyone and anyone that will listen. (2) I am also using this site as a online test kitchen for my recipes which I plan to use some day in the future in my own restaurant concept.
That being said, I think that I should explain a little bit about myself, my career, and mostly, where the Panda Ass comes into play.
I started off in the restaurant world 15 years ago as a busboy and dishwasher at Yin Ching's Chinese Restaurant in Grand Island, NE. I worked for an absolutely terrible woman who's only concern was keeping the guests happy and the money flowing. She never had a kind thing to say to anyone even if they did a good job, which is why I stole tips from her daughter. The only friends I had at the restaurant were the Mexican cooks in the back, who were amazing to watch considering the amount of space they had. I was always in the back eating food with them and trying to share in the conversation with my limited amount of spanish language that I had at the time. I became an expert dishwasher as well, and even to this day I don't mind getting in the pits and throwing down some plates and pans. It reminds me of where I started and how far I have come. That, and even though I am almost 30, I can still roll most dishwashers under the table.
Now, I don't know how many of you have worked for restaurants, but for those of you who have, you know which areas suck the most; dishpit, fryside, busboy, bar back. Those are the worst at any institution, as they are the most monotonous and mundane, but are the most critical to restaurant operations. You can't have plates to sell food on if you don't have a good dishwasher, you can't sell sides for the entré's with out a fry cook that can kick out the same four items all night, you can't keep the seats moving without good busboys, and you can't keep the guests buzzed without good bar backs keeping the glasses clean and ready for refills. I am proud to say I have done all of the nasty and most of the prestigious jobs you can have at a restaurant and I would like to think that I did them all very well considering what I do now.
The big difference between me and the next guy is that I didn't go to some culinary academy and get a degree to prove that I am a chef. I know my seven mother sauces, I know what temperature sugar melts and what order the ingredients go together for a cremé bruleé, and I really don't care. French Classic food can suck both sides of my big sack of balls. Sure, it's a great foundation, but it's boring, pretentious wealthy person food. Sure, people pay a lot of money for a properly made 7 course dinner, but I would rather take the money you would spend on something like that and take my friends to a BBQ joint and mow down trash can lids of food and buckets of beer for the same price as a small portioned course dinner where the food looks like it would better serve leprechaun than a human. Plus, it's French, and those people are assholes, especially the ones from Aspen.
What I know is what I learned by sweating, swearing, punching boxes, smoking cigarettes, drinking into madness, sleeping with the staff, coming in hung over as fuck and doing it all over again the next day. It took a long time to really find my mark in this world, but I decided after my career in the military was completed that I would continue my progress in the culinary world. I have been called a fake, that I don't deserve the title because I am not a certified chef, even though I belong to the American Culinary Association, and have had to fight my way out of many a bar because I don't see eye to eye with these "culinary experts." To anyone who reads this and doesn't agree with me, you are a paper chef, so take your clip board, your degree, and your parents money stick it up your ass, I don't give a fuck. And if you don't know what a paper chef is, look it up.
Which is what brings me to the Panda Ass Culinary Project. I am reaching out to all servers, bartenders, cooks, and chefs that need a outlet to vent their frustrations led on by the executive staff level personnel in the restaurant field that make decisions based on what they think will work and not what works in the field. It's kind of like the government, they think they know, but they never really understand when it doesn't work.
I am the Panda Ass because of an instance that happened to me last year. During a big push I was running the window, selling tickets and setting food like crazy, all while working around one of my cooks, Jeff, who is 6'-4", 300 lbs. and looks like a defensive lineman. We call him Skinny Pete. So Skinny reaches into one of the low boys to get out a steak and I reach in at the same time on the opposite side of the line to get out big buns for all of the burgers we are selling. The problem is that when Skinny bends over to get anything he looks like a miniature horse, and his girth caught the door my arm was in and crushed my hand, breaking my third metacarpal. When he did this I fell down, not from the pain, but because I felt like I got blindsided from a run away boar. As I got up Skinny said that I was to big of a bear to working in the same station as he was, which I agreed with, and added that I was more like a Panda then anything else. We all laughed and got back to work. Later, some one came up and antiqued my ass with a glove full of flour, and when I turned around to look at it, it was very reminiscent of a panda, especially since I was wearing all black pants. The Panda Ass was born.
If you really think about it, all cooks are Panda Ass's, because of the checkered pants we all wear, but I am the original.
Now, here is your homework. I created this recipe while typing out our Christmas dinner menu and had my dad make it. I had no idea how it was going to turn out, but the final product was incredible, and I think that because it is easy to make and takes a day to properly set up and balance the flavors, you will enjoy it as much as I do.
Citrus Coleslaw
2 cans of pineapples (diced and drained)
1 red onion (diced)
1 jalapeno (diced)(seeded) USE GLOVES!!!!
1/4 C. shredded carrots
1 bag coleslaw mix (If you see it, Asian coleslaw mix is better)
1/4 C. Coconut oil
1 T. Sea Salt/Kosher Salt (whatever you use)
2 C. Yogurt
3 T. cilantro (mince and then measure)
4 T. sugar
1 T. Chili Powder
1 tsp. Cumin
1 tsp. Black Pepper
1 tsp. Paprika
1 T. Garlic Powder
Here we go:
1. Prepare all of the vegetables and put them in one large mixing bowl. Then add the coconut oil and the salt and mix well. You would be better off having some gloves around for this. After mixing, set out for 30 minutes uncovered to allow the air to infuse the flavors. In the mean time....
2. Place the yogurt and sugar in another mixing bowl and combine with a whip. Then add the rest of the spices and whip until it looks like mayo. Place in the cooler, or fridge in your case, and wait until the vegetable bouquet is ready.
3. After the vegetables have had time to breathe, add the yogurt mixture to the veggies and mix thoroughly, (USE GLOVES!!) and then allow the mixture to rest uncovered for 10 more minutes before covering and cooling. If you make it the day before the ingredients will have time to infuse each other. You may want to put this in the garage fridge as it will be quite strong by the next day. Any questions, re-read the recipe and figure it out.
I am leaving you with this: T= tablespoon, tsp/t= teaspoon, C= cup, #=lbs=pounds.
Now enjoy.
Panda Ass
i like this. and i would definitely call you a chef.
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